Innocence and Fear Chapter 4 part 1

First part of chapter 4.

So as I mentioned last month, I am going to be releasing smaller parts of larger chapters a couple of times a month now. If you like this system better or worse let me know!

Innocence and Fear Chapter 4 -part 1

When Christmas got close, Sean felt a little guilty. He felt guilty that he couldn’t share all the finery he was experiencing with his family. There was a large and beautiful Blue Spruce Christmas tree in the main hall. It was decorated with tiny electric candles and baubles and bulbs that looked like precious metals. Sean figured a tree like that must have cost as much as a fancy car might have. It was so grand. They decorated the entire school with wreathes and oversized ribbons tied into bows and every so often a mistletoe hanging on the lower points of the grand ceilings. They wrapped each spindly staircase in ribbon as well, and there were also beautiful, life-sized golden reindeer sculptures scattered around the school. The exterior of the school had tasteful arrangements of lights on it. Sean found it all to be quite dazzling, unlike anything he had seen before.

He thanked God whenever he could for sending him to this wondrous place. He had gone home for Thanksgiving and his brothers and sisters and Mom had listened for hours as he described the School, its grounds, the teachers, and his room. Even his trip out to the school had been a story that held great interest. He had talked with his family by phone while at the Academy, but only for a few minutes a week. He had been too busy with schoolwork and his campus jobs to talk much more than that. It was sad to leave his family, but the school beckoned him, like the sirens from the myths he loved reading about in his hometown library. He had guilt for finding his old life bland when he had briefly returned to it, and he had felt some amount of impatience on his trip back to the school after the week’s break. He decided then to stay at the school during winter break. He figured he would do more good for his family if he stayed and worked over break cleaning or whatever they needed him to do. He had also heard other students planned on not going home and staying at the school. But some of the rich kids also talked about going to exotic places with their families for the holiday. He wondered if he would ever get to go see even one place they mentioned.

When he returned to school, he threw himself into his work and painting. He was determined to give back to the school and to the Lord, who gave him so much. One of the richer kids named Eric began to make small talk with him before the English and history classes they had together. At first, he felt thankful to have a friend, but after a few interactions, he sensed something odd about Eric. He always seemed to laugh just a little too much at things Sean would say. He would break out in a half-moon smile when Sean would enter a room. He felt his skin crawl a little and he couldn’t help but wonder why this kid was so nice to him. He was nothing special, after all. Agnes had seen them talking once in the hallway after his first-period English class and had given Eric a side-eyed look, then came up to them. Eric had waved goodbye and darted off when he saw Agnes approach.

“What did he want?” Agnes had her small, girlish voice a little harsher than Sean was used to.

“Oh, he’s my friend, or something I guess,” Sean was unsure of what Eric was. He thought maybe acquaintance might be a better term for him. 

“Just be careful, he’s not the most…christlike.” There was an obvious distaste in her voice. He looked at the tiny girl. He was happy about her concern, but it almost hit him as weird because even though they were just a year apart, he thought of her almost as he did of his much younger siblings. But he saw now that she could be almost fierce and decided he would stay on her good side. He wondered though why she disliked Eric so much. In horror, Sean wondered if Eric might be an atheist. 

It had been unseasonably warm that December and Sean felt himself almost wishing for snow. He was excited to see the way the school might look under a bright blanket of snow. As he and Agnes walked to the next class which they had together, he saw the Jewish girl Miette run past them both to catch up with Fabian, who had been a few feet in front of them. She looked like she might dance as she galloped ahead of them. He saw her reach Fabian and pass him something. He couldn’t tell what it was, but he was quite curious. He had seen Miette more and more since the day he had passed her in the men’s dorm. He had seen her go to the Fabian kids’ room more and more in the few weeks after he had first seen her there. He assumed they were now dating. He didn’t know why, but this irked him. Fabian seemed like he was not a righteous person. He had even seen the two of them without jackets on the back promenade of the school, smoking cigarettes and deep in conversation. He watched them walking too close. He almost tripped over his own feet.

“Are you OK?” Agnes asked. 

“Yeah, yeah sure.” He told himself to put away these feelings. Fabian and even Miette were not his kind of people.

“Would you like to have an extra bible study tonight with Sachiko and me?” 

“Oh, yeah, sure. What time were you thinking? I have a pass to go to town to get a new pair of pants from the clothing store there.” He was excited to have time to go to the small town near the school. He had been scared to explain what had happened after spilling white paint on his main pair of uniform pants. He decided to try to get the paint out himself. He had gone to the office to ask how to get a stronger detergent for the laundry room. After a few moments, though, he admitted to the woman working the front desk he had spilled paint on his pants. The black-haired, black-skinned secretary on duty at the office had told him to wait a moment. She picked up the phone and dialed a number. He heard her explain he needed new pants. She repeated his name a few times and explained his pants had paint on them. He stood there awkwardly while she spoke half a conversation. Finally, the conversation was over and the secretary hung up the bulky beige phone.

“You will get a cab to town tomorrow. There is a small clothing shop where we source the pants and shirts for our uniform. It’s called Cassidy’s. You can pick up a new pair there. We have an account there, so all you have to do is go there and get measured. Hopefully, they already have your size in stock.” She smiled, “About three-thirty pm, a cab will be ready for you. I will excuse you from your classes, do not worry. Is there anything else you need, Mr. Williams?” 

“No, ah, I guess that’s it.” His accent sounded sticky on the “I’s”. The middle-aged woman nodded at him. He still felt awe at how efficient everything was here. He knew from listening to the other kids talk that this was a rare opportunity being given to him. At Patton Academy, one was only permitted to leave campus for very limited and special reasons. He was a little excited to see the small town for himself. He had passed through it both times he had cabbed him to Patton Academy, and it looked very quaint and friendly. He thought it reminded him of the main street in his hometown. He also knew that this was a privilege they didn’t give every student, so he was glad to be in the good graces of the school that had given him so much.

“How about you meet me there around 6:30 after dinner? Is that enough time? Will you be back?” Agnes asked. Her brown freckles across her face had faded because of the dimming sun and the fact that most students were indoors more in the colder weather. “Will you pick something up for me while you are in town?” She asked. “I want a Reeses Cup. I forgot to put it on the last ordering list and I really am craving one.” She grinned up at him, looking like a pleased child. Sean knew the next time the students could order special goods from outside the school without having an excellent reason was in three weeks. 

“Sure thing, I’m guessing there is somewhere to buy candy. If I can, you know I will Aggie.” She did a little jump as she walked because of her excitement. Her clunky black shoes made it almost sound like a horse galloping.

The afternoon passed quickly, and around three fifteen he made his way to the front door where he had always met cabs before. The driver was the same one who had driven him to the bus stop when he went home for vacation. A gruff and large man with broad square shoulders. He had orange-red hair and a thick scar over his right cheek. 

“I’m going into town…” He realized he didn’t know the address. “A place called Cassidy’s?” 

“Don’t worry, I already know where we are headed.” The man said in a gruff voice with an accent Sean couldn’t quite place. He felt relieved that everything was prepared already. Everything was always like this at Patton Academy. There were always answers to every question. Everything was just easy, but Sean still wasn’t used to this life of simplicity.

Sean looked out the window without speaking as the car rolled by the statue of the Satyr in the center of the roundabout in front of the school, and up the smooth drive towards the metal gate and the main road. The gate opened when the cab approached it and the driver turned left onto the main road. Sean couldn’t help but marvel at the beautiful woods and mountains around him every time he passed through them. It reminded him of home, yet it was foreign. He got excited when a house or two dotted the landscape. It meant they were close to the town. Then they were suddenly in the midst of a town, surrounded by buildings and dealing with heavier traffic. The downtown was picturesque, with tiny old shopfronts and buildings ranging from colonial to Victorian, as well as a few buildings from perhaps the sixties. It looked like an elevated Main Street one could find dotted across the country but without the shabbiness of Sean’s own Main Street back in Tennesee. Christmas decorations were everywhere and Sean wished he could stay until nightfall so he could see all the lights illuminated. The town seemed perfect and even had a few charming cobblestone roads.

 Sean had been told by Agnes that Norman Rockwell had stayed there for a time and many of his paintings were based on or inspired by the quaint little town. Sean hadn’t known who Norman Rockwell was by name, but once he had looked it up, he realized he had seen his work before. Sean loved his style and now felt glad to be in a place that inspired such a talented artist. He especially liked Rockwell because he proved you didn’t have to paint anything inflammatory to be a great artist. Sean tried to respect most artists, but he felt lost and confused looking at a lot of modern art. A lot of it struck him as ugly, garish, or disgusting. He was frightened that deep down; he wanted to understand the art, yearned to understand it. 

Outside Sean's window, he saw small shops and eateries passing by, with families carrying babies and bright smiles, and American flags in the windows. He felt more at home in that small town than he did at Patton Academy. Although it was easy at Patton Academy, he still felt like an outsider there. He felt like a poor little hayseed who had been scooped up and raised to a place where only money could normally take you. He felt glad he at least had Agnes. She understood what he believed, and she was the same as him in her faith. He tried not to judge the other kids at Patton Academy, but seeing them drunk or stoned in the hallway, at mealtimes, and even in class made him question their morals. He had met a pretty girl in philosophy class named Eualie because he had mentioned morality in one of the long rambling class discussions his teacher held every Friday. She had looked directly at him and said,

“It’s the love of right that lures men to wrong.” She had said it in a soft voice and almost passive manner. He took it in. He had found it a clever thing to say, even though he didn’t completely believe it to be true. He had argued with her for a bit, but she didn’t seem too interested in his explanation of living your life trying to be your best. After class, he ran up behind her in the hallway. He tapped her on the shoulder. Her blonde ringlets had bounced as she flipped her head to see who was tapping her. Her eyes were a mixture of green and brown and her skin was a deep olive. He wondered where she was from because she had no accent but seemed to be from another place, someplace he hadn’t even seen on a map. She seemed almost regal, and he told himself she was from money. She exuded an air of a higher class.

“Oh, Sean…” she said. He now heard a slight accent in her voice. 

“Where did you hear that quote?” They had stopped in the busy hall and were facing each other.

“A Sci-Fi novel my brother recommended to me…It was too technical for me.” She had a vibe that put him at ease.

“Oh, sounded like philosophy to me…” He wondered what he was trying to accomplish by talking to her. “Do you like Sci-fi normally?” It was a stupid question, a desperate question, he wanted to speak to her longer.

She tilted her sharp chin upwards, and a lovely laugh escaped her.

“Oh no, I don’t care for fiction, and I prefer Greek and Roman philosophers. Their antiquity appeals to me. I think we have that in common, right? Following the paths of ancient men?” She was being mean to him, but he didn’t even mind. He laughed as well. They laughed together, it felt as if they were riding some sort of feeling outside time. After that, he had talked to her as much as he could in philosophy class and every so often, he would walk with her in the hallways. She wasn’t like him and Agnes either, but there was something about her that made him feel young and amused.

“We are here, bud.” The driver said when the car stopped in front of a store just off the main drag of the small town. Sean nodded. “I’ll be back here in about an hour and a half. Don’t wander off now.” The driver said in a less-than-kind voice. Sean looked at his cheap wristwatch and noted the time. He set an alarm for ten minutes before he needed to meet the cabbie, and a small beep came from his watch. He got out of the cab and almost forgot his small bag, but then threw it over his left shoulder. To his delight, there were small piles of snow gathered in gutters and near the corners of buildings. He wondered how the snow had not also hit the school. Even with the snow it was still warmer than a normal winter, there were a few of the local kids who looked to be about his age sitting on a bench outside Cassidy’s clothing shop. Bundled in thick coats, but they were holding skateboards. Sean tried to go as far around them as he could.

“Yeah, don’t come near us, you rich fuck. You might catch something.” A nasty boy with a face full of acne said to him while snickering. The other three boys laughed. Sean caught his reflection in the large display window of the store. Sean wore his full uniform under a large coat, but he didn't zip it, so they easily saw the white button-up and tie. He wanted to explain to them he wasn’t rich at all, just a charity case who could paint pictures better than most. He didn’t care about fitting in with the group of skateboarders, but he did care about remaining separate from the snotty kids at the school. But he said nothing and continued into the store. Sleighbells above the door rang when he opened it.

The staff was helpful at the store and measured him for new pants. A chubby, older woman with glasses around her neck and a plain, young girl measured his legs and hips and wrote the numbers on a clipboard. He wondered how much he would have to pay for replacement pants, but when he inquired, the sales lady laughed.

“You must be new. The school has all uniform repairs and replacements on its tab. Didn’t they tell you?” The homely lady continued. “Yep, we see kids here all the time, so we keep a small supply of the uniforms. You are just lucky you didn’t wreck a sweater or jacket, those we have to send out because of the crests on them…” She continued to babble on about the logistics of uniforms. Sean looked out the window to see the boys skateboarding in front of the store back and forth, each trying to do tricks to impress the others. He wondered who at the school had been horrible to them or if it was just a stereotype town folk held about the inhabitants of the school. “Yep,” the woman said and went to the back of the store and disappeared behind a curtain.

She came back a moment later with what he thought to be pants in her arms. Her glasses had moved to the bridge of her nose.

“I’ve got some right here, but they are a bit too long. Give me about twenty minutes so I can hem ‘em up,” she said. The unremarkable younger girl was up at the front of the store near a register.

“Ok,” the woman disappeared behind the curtain again before he could say more. He walked towards the front of the shop and spoke with the other girl. 

“Is there a place I can get a candy bar around here?” He asked her. She informed him there was a drugstore around the corner. He thanked her as he put his coat on, this time zipping it up to hide the uniform. The kids said nothing as he passed them, but a few of them made faces and one rode his skateboard out in front of Sean as he crossed the street. He wondered if maybe there wasn’t much for kids to do in this town and figured they must have been happy the weather was not frigid. He told himself to live and let live and decided to forget about the skateboarders. The Pharmacy was only a short walk and when he reached it, it too like the town was quite charming. A later edition to the town, it had a large glass window with a plastic nativity scene and a larger plastic Santa looking out at the street. There was a mortar and pestle on a sign that hung over the only entrance. He walked into the store and an elderly man waved at him from behind the long counter in front of cigarettes and different medications. Sean looked around for a while and found the candy aisle. He cared little for sweets, so he just picked up a Reese's Cup for Agnes and turned to leave. But something amongst all the colored candy wrappers caught his eye.

It was a brilliant blue wrapper that said, “BAMBAM” in a yellow font. But he did a double take. The blue wrapper had tiny cutouts of people all over it holding hands. He recognized the colors at first, but then the rest of the wrapper design as well. It looked like a painting he had made as a homework assignment from his first week of art class at Patton Academy. The theme was “friendship” and he remembered painting the small people in all different colors, hands clasped. Sean realized it didn’t just look a little like what he had painted for that homework, it was what he had painted. There was no difference between the candy wrapper and what he had created except the “BAMBAM” on the front. He picked up the candy bar in his hands and turned it repeatedly, the plastic crinkling. He stood dumbfounded for a moment. He didn’t understand how what was happening was possible. He raised the candy close to his eyes as if that might tell him something, but the action did nothing. He felt a sense of a sort of electricity run through him. He walked towards the counter with the Reeses and the BAMBAM. He felt strange, as if he was out of sync. He paid for the two candy bars with a five. The old man gave him a strange look. Sean felt a lump in his throat.

“Those skateboarders in front of my store again?” The man asked abruptly.

“Nah, they moved round the corner.” He said. When he heard his voice, it seemed surprising that he sounded so normal. Sean hoped his southern accent didn’t mark him to this man too as an outsider. The man just grumbled and gave Sean his change and a small paper bag with the candy in it.

Sean walked in such a confused state back towards Cassidy’s that he didn’t feel any warmth or cold. He didn’t even notice if the skateboarders were there or not. When he walked in, the younger girl was helping an old man find a dress shirt off the many racks on the men’s side of the store. The older woman was nowhere in sight, so Sean stood on the men’s side of the store. He kept thinking about the candy bar. He even glanced at it a few times to make sure it was still real.

The older woman came out, bagged up his new pants, and sent him on his way. Sean realized he had somehow lost time when he waited out front of the clothing store for the cab. He remembered the cab had been black and had a white “2” painted on the right side of the bumper. But he knew he would recognize the cabby again. He stood in the cold wondering what had even happened in the clothing store. He hoped he had been polite to the woman. He told himself anxiety wasn’t Christlike, and that there had to be an explanation for the candy bar. Then it hit him.

“They must have sold that painting too?” They had been selling his larger paintings. He felt a rush of relief. Maybe they were selling more than the paintings to churches? That might explain how generous his pay had been over the past few weeks. But usually, he received a receipt for the paintings he sold on official Patton Academy stationary, neatly printed. He told himself maybe he just didn’t remember the receipt for that silly little painting. He told himself there might have been a clerical error or something. But something still wasn’t sitting right with him, no matter what he told himself. He saw the car with the “2” pull up and saw the stocky man behind the wheel with worn wool gloves. He got in the car and it felt like the candy was burning a hole in his bag where he had placed it. A single skateboarding boy rolled in front of the car right as the driver was driving off. The driver laid on the horn hard. Sean felt the sound wake him. The skateboarder flipped off the driver and screamed some obscenity at the car. Sean felt at that moment he had woken up from a dream. The car rolled off, back towards the school. 

“Everything is OK.” came his voice, but he felt no belief in the words. The cab driver ignored what he had said.

Thank you for reading this part of the story! More next week! More secrets will be revealed.

<3

Aisling!