Innocence and Fear Chapter 1
First chapter of my episodic novel.
Welcome to my new episodic novel only on SubStack! This novel is called Innocence and Fear, and I hope you enjoy it! Happy Reading. There will hopefully be a new chapter each month! (This novel is only half finished at the moment and I’m hoping this will encourage me to just finish the damn thing.)
Innocence and Fear
Chapter 1
Back then, he thought the acceptance to Patton Academy was a godsend. He had prayed many times to god to give him an opportunity, a chance to work his way up in the world and provide more for his family. Patton Academy seemed like that meal ticket to a bigger and more profitable future. Acceptance to this elite boarding school would lead to acceptance and scholarship to a big-time college. Sean Williams always promised his Pa he would go to college if he had any way to do so, that he wouldn’t just settle for OK money in the mines in Caryville, Tennessee. But after his Pa died, he wondered if college was something that he could manage. He worried about Ma and the other kids. But when that acceptance letter came, Sean couldn’t help but think about leaving.
“Sean, this is your chance, your chance to shine,” His mother said, happy tears running down her cheeks. “God has chosen this path for you, and I feel we should listen to the signs he’s givin’.” She said, tapping the acceptance letter a few times with her bony finger.
“But Ma, you need the money I’ve been bringin in,” Sean said, not ready to accept that his leaving was a possibility. He had been working nights after school and most weekends to bring in extra money for his Ma and his five younger siblings. He knew his family was the typical story of Southern poverty. His Ma worked two jobs and also made some spare money working for the church doing odd jobs. All too often, the Church patrons often helped them put dinner on the table or afford Christmas gifts for the youngest of his family. His Pa made decent money in the mines, but after he died, things were tough. Sean felt guilty for wishing his father was still alive just so he could go off to this fancy school. He immediately asked for forgiveness for being so ugly with his thoughts.
“Sean, I got a raise at Kmart and I can pick up a few extra shifts.” She placed her hand on his shoulder. “I won’t be happy if you give this up. You gotta take for yourself sometimes.”
“Well, this could lead me to a better college and more money in the future. That would help y’all more, I guess.” He said to himself. Guilt overwhelmed Sean when he recalled this moment in the future… Things would have been different if he had not been so selfish at that moment. His mother smiled and hugged him.
“You have such a gift boy, you are going to put so much beauty out in the world.” She sounded as if she might cry harder. She steadied her thin body by leaning on Sean hard.
Sean always wondered why God made him an artist. He wasn’t the type you would expect. He didn’t want to go to New York and study. Too much sin there for his liking. He preferred a quieter, more serene place, and Patton Academy was in the Berkshires in rural Massachusetts. Sean liked the idea of staying away from the larger cities, at least as long as possible. He knew he would have to join the busy modern world to make any real money for his family. The glossy magazine from Patton Academy intrigued him as he flipped through it on the family meal table. He saw there was a Chapel on campus that was non-denominational Christian. The question crossed his mind if there was a Baptist church in the nearby town that he might attend. He couldn’t believe such a fancy institution wanted him to attend their school, a hayseed from nowhere. He first heard of Patton Academy a few weeks before this, and it still seemed like a dream. When he thought back to that moment, he wanted to smack himself for being so gullible, but he also begged God to have that innocence again.
Sean was called into the guidance office a few weeks before the magazine tantalized him and at first, he was apprehensive. He waited on the tiny deep red rough couch to be brought back to the Guidance counselor, Mr. Griffith’s office. He wondered if something was wrong. Combing through his mind, trying to think of any misstep he had made. But he couldn’t think of any. Over and over, he polished his work boots against the worn brown and red-speckled Berber carpeting. He was digging his heels in and dragging them over the old carpet while he waited. He said a small prayer and then told himself there was nothing to worry about. The door to the room opened and Mr. Griffith poked his head out.
“Sean, come on in!” He said with a smile on his face while waving Sean towards the room. Sean walked a little heavily towards and then into the room, then sat down in the chair inside, across from where Griffith sat. Griffith was staring at his computer but then turned to face him.
“Sean, I have some interesting news for you!” The Man said.
“Yes, Sir?”
“A highly respected school out East. has recognized your impressive academic record and artistic ability.”
“Really?” It wasn’t what he would have expected to hear.
"A scout from a school called Patton Academy saw your work at the National High School Art Competition, where you placed best in the show," he said, clapping his hands together softly. The year before, Sean’s teacher had entered him in an art competition for grade 10 High Schoolers. He submitted a series of large biblical paintings he painted in his art class. His teacher often gave Sean the supplies not available through the school from his own supply because Sean couldn’t afford the canvas or the more exotic colors of oil paint he needed. Sean hated the handout. He preferred to work for the things he consumed, but his teacher insisted. Sean took it as a sign. His paintings and drawings always were an extension of his faith, and Sean wanted others to see how beautiful faith and god’s glory were. So he thought of his art as something he did to honor his god and spread the good word. Sean smiled and walked with a little stride when his teacher submitted them to the juried show. His paintings were some of the best in the show and he placed Best in Show in Tennessee and was in the top rankings when it went to a national competition.
No one in Sean’s family was an artist, but his Ma said that this was just a way God shone on him, God had made him to make beautiful things. He received several offers from interested parties in New York even. The offers were for several thousand dollars for each painting. Sean accepted every offer. He contributed all the money from the sales to his struggling Ma to help keep the household running.
“Patton Academy?”
“Yes, a talent scout saw your paintings and inquired about you. I spoke with them and informed them you were also one of our top students. They want to offer you a place at the school as a transfer student.” Mr. Griffith paused. “They mailed us this packet for you to go over.” He handed Sean a manila folder full of glossy pamphlets. He looked through them. The photo on the front of the first one he looked at showed a grand brick building, almost entirely concealed by ivy. The school's expensive and European look caught Sean's eye.
“Sir, this all looks nice, but I really cannot afford some fancy school,” Sean said without thinking about it much. By this point, he accepted having to turn down most things that came his way. Money was too tight for most things.
“Oh, that’s the best part!” Mr. Griffith was obviously excited. “They want to offer you a full scholarship to attend. They said you can also work on campus for extra pocket money.” Sean looked up in shock. He never imagined he would impress such a nice place so much that they would pay him to attend their school. “They have a website too, the web address is on the pamphlet somewhere…”
“Sir, we don’t have a computer let alone Internet…”
“Well, you could go to the computer lab if you have a study hall and look.”
“I don’t know…see I have to work to help my family…”
“Sean, I would highly recommend considering this. This could really open up a lot of avenues for you to get into a top school. You have so much talent.” He said, his voice getting a little lower but still sounding excited.
“I’ll give it a look, sir,” Sean promised. He tempered his excitement about the opportunity, not wanting to be disappointed. He felt unable to do it while staying true to his responsibilities. He vowed to his Pa on his deathbed that he would always be there for the family. His father was unconscious, but he wanted to honor his word. But he had also promised his father he would try to go to college and not get stuck in his small town.
Sean gave the school’s website a look during his afternoon study hall in the computer lab. The website was beautiful by itself, but he marveled at all the campus offered. A tangle of wild electricity formed in his chest. It was a wish growing in his heart. He wanted to go to this school; he wanted to get out of his small town; he wanted to see if he could find his way in the world. The way things were looking, if he stayed in town, the highest paying job he could get was at the Mines and he had promised his Pa he would avoid this. He went back to Griffith’s office that day and told him he would like more information and would like to attend the school. His body was dizzy and out of control. But that night when he told his Ma what happened at school and about the Academy, she wept and told him she was proud of him and him going to a school like this was all she ever wanted for him and from him. He allowed himself to revel in the happiness.
Two weeks later, he received an acceptance letter with a breakdown of his scholarship and campus job earnings. The pay ended up being very generous for those odd student jobs he would do. It was almost what he had been making from after-school jobs. They provided everything he would want at the school for him through his full ride-scholarship, so he could still just send that extra money he didn’t spend at school home. It all seemed…perfect…too good to be true. Sean saw it all as a gift from god. A blessing. When he thought back to it, after everything that came to be, the phrase “you didn’t know, how could you?” swirled over and over in the front of his mind. But he did not allow himself any mercy. His meaner thoughts drowned out his attempts to be kind to himself when reminiscing about the time before Patton Academy. These thoughts screamed, “It was too good to be true! You idiot, how could you think things were so easy?”
“I cannot believe God has blessed me so much,” He said as all his siblings hugged him the night before he got on the train to head to Patton Academy. They had all piled on the worn patched couch together. Their small faces all peered at Sean. Then the kids’ small voices became a chorus to him.
“We’ll miss you!”
“You’re gonna knock ‘em dead!”
“Write and call me all the time, kay?”
In that moment, Sean recognized the deep warmth of his family's love and God's love. Everything seemed right. He thought attending this school would improve his life. The girl he had always crushed on, Silvia, had given him a card. On the front, a kitten and puppy were hugging, and it said Good luck in silver foiled letters above them. There was a note on the inside with her email address asking him to write her often. The card was with a small messy drawn heart and her name was in cute cursive script. He hated himself for sometimes having lust towards her, but he told himself that maybe if he made something of himself, she would marry him one day. As he looked at her, he couldn't help but notice the way her red hair caught the light and how her blue eyes seemed to sparkle. She seemed to radiate a divine light, almost like an angel. Sean thought just then that he could almost see how God put together the world by looking into her eyes. But he told himself the beauty of Silvia’s eyes must exist in other things far and wide. He was ready to discover more of God's glory in the vast world. Everything seemed right. He knew it was time, time for him to wander into the world.
Patton Academy even paid for his trip to the school and shipped all of his belongings he would need a week before he left. The morning he was to leave, Sean looked out his front window after hearing two “beeps” from the horn of a car. A yellow taxi cab idled out front. Sean took a deep breath and said goodbye to his familiar surroundings and walked out the door with his tattered blue suitcase. He brought an old point-and-shoot camera with him and four rolls of film to document his trip and arrival at the school for his family.
His whole family and a few of his closer friends gathered on the dying lawn on that day in November to say their farewells. Sean looked at his meager family home and tried to memorize how it looked. The sky blue paint peeled from the wood face of the home and the sagging front porch, his empty bedroom window. He knew he had to remember this place and the love that lived there. Sean got emotional as he got into the cab. The Cabbie turned towards him from the front seat and said,
“Bus Station in Crossville, right?” The man's pleasant demeanor contrasted with his aged appearance.
“Yes, sir.” Sean closed the door and gazed out the window. His Ma was beaming, she seemed so proud. The car pulled away and his nine-year-old brother Adam ran behind the car all the way to the main road, where he stopped but continued to wave. Sean watched him through the back window until he was nothing but a black dot far, far away.
He rode the dirty, crowded bus, and after several transfers; he made it to Massachusetts. Sean had found himself lost in a sea of other humans, and he couldn’t help but notice he was a speck in an enormous world. He marveled at the changing scenery. Sean found he loved the greenery in the East. The last part of his trip was a car ride from Stockbridge to Patton Academy. Stockbridge was a lovely little town, and he wondered if he would have time to explore it. Something about it made him comforted like he was at home again. The trip was disorienting despite being exciting. It surprised Sean when a fancy black town car picked him up. The gruff-looking driver explained he was a driver from Patton Academy. It shocked Sean that the school had sent a driver to pick him up. This almost made him nervous.
During the last car ride, Sean grasped his hands together and prayed. He asked God to continue being his source of strength and that he could grasp every blessing this school would bring. He watched as society seemed to disappear. As they drove through the thick forest, he noticed gray stone walls breaking through the trees. The road followed the walls until a brass gate caught Sean's eye… Sean knew from the information the school sent and looking at their website that it was founded four years before in 1994. The gate looked old and worn, like an antique from a bygone era. "Patton Academy" was written in metal cursive letters that swirled over the gate. It seemed as if he was going to an ancient boarding school in the European countryside. Even the gate seemed intimidating to Sean. It was as if he didn’t belong already. It all seemed too fancy a place for him to visit, let alone live in.
The driver pulled the car up to the gate and Sean saw a small black box mounted on a post next to where the driver stopped. The driver rolled down his window, which was fascinating to Sean because he’d never seen automatic car windows before, then the driver cleared his throat and spoke into the black box, which Sean realized was a two-way speaker.
“Code: A3499985 I’m delivering Sean Williams.”
Sean noticed there were several obvious cameras on the gate and the surrounding walls the gate connected to. He imagined they cluttered the school with a lot of nice things, fancy things, so they probably wouldn’t want just anyone coming in. He also remembered the literature they sent had gone on about how safe the school was.
“Accepted.” A robotic, high-pitched male voice said. And with that, the ancient-looking gate creaked, then dragged open. They opened away from the car and Sean couldn’t help it. It was like they were arms guiding him in. The car moved once the gate finished opening. As the car drove up the private road, the verdant trees on either side seemed to create a tunnel effect. November had arrived, yet the trees still boasted vibrant shades of red and orange leaves. After a few minutes, the trees became less thickly concentrated, and he saw more ahead of them off of the road. An imposing three story brick building loomed over the road, taking up most of the skyline. Occasional mismatched brown bricks interrupted the predominantly red bricks that the building was made of. Some type of dark green plant grew up the walls in beautiful fractal patterns, wild and wonderful. The grandeur of the school took aback Sean. It looked even more impressive than in the photos he had seen. A circle drive was in front of the main building of the school. The town car drove around the loop and Sean noticed a colossal statue in the middle of the circle. It appeared to be a Satyr. Sean wondered why they’d chosen this for a statue in front of the school. Sean was a little uncomfortable and wished they’d chosen a human or a saint for the first thing to greet you when you came to the school. Sean only recognized it as a Satyr because in his seventh-grade Social Studies class they studied ancient religions. All the old religions were hedonistic, and Sean didn’t like to admit it but, they were also fascinating. Very fascinating. He wasn’t proud, but after learning about these practices in his class, he went to the local library to read everything about these ancient beliefs. His local library was pretty small, and they did not permit many books in the library because of an over-zealous town council. He discovered a couple of books that were not yet considered corrupting by the town's respectable citizens. He read for hours, until the library closed, day after day. But each night he did this, he was careful to pray to God later and nearly cried that his God, the true God, was a kind and untainted deity.
The car stopped in front of the imposing entrance to the school. There were a set of four large doors painted crisp white that led into the brick building. Sean gaped at the school. It looked like it was at least a hundred years old. It was so beautiful in the magazines they sent, but even more so in person. He remembered they described the campus as being in a “historic” building. He wondered what this building was before it became Patton Academy. As close as he could tell, it was previously a sprawling family mansion. The driver turned around to him with a smile.
“Here you are, son. Go ahead and go in and I’ll get your bags from the trunk. Someone will probably be waiting to take them.” The man’s face seemed almost amused. Sean was sure he looked gobsmacked. This was the nicest place Sean had seen until that point of his life, let alone stayed in. On the few vacations with his family, they always stayed in a single drab little room at a cheap motel, some kids sleeping on the floor. He opened the car door and stepped out. He was under-dressed. He seemed as though if he walked into this beautiful building, it would spit him out again because he looked like such a slob. He stared up and all around at the building, admiring each brick. The cool and foggy day added a mysterious element to the school. He looked back and saw the driver getting his raggedy suitcase from the trunk. The driver slammed the trunk and walked past Sean up a row of what Sean guessed might be marble stairs towards the grand doors. When he reached them, he opened the far right door and turned back to Sean, and motioned for him to come inside. Sean did as he was told and mounted the stairs and walked through the door after the man.
It was darker inside, but there were still several lights casting a rich glow on the room he walked into. A luxe greeting room was all around him. The space was open in the middle, all around him chairs he thought must have belonged to some aristocracy in the 17th century, paintings of important looking people on every wall, tables with small lamps, and above him, a crystal chandelier that sparkled like the precious material it was made from should. Flickering candles cast a warm glow on the room. The smell of spice and warm beeswax hit him pleasantly. In front of him was a grand staircase that appeared to be white marble with a runner of crimson-red plush carpet down the center. He noticed next to the stairs there was a set of brass doors labeled “elevator”. His footsteps echoed on the cool, white marble floor beneath his feet. Sean lifted his right foot, then left instinctively. He looked at his dirty worn tennis shoes, worrying that they may mar the shining surface. The driver set down the old suitcase, and as he did as if on cue, a woman wearing a black short dress with a white apron that even Sean recognized as a maid appeared from a side hallway. This was the first time Sean had ever seen a maid like her in real life. He blinked twice, hard. He couldn’t believe it all. It was as if he switched lives with a prince and he wondered when the dream would end.
“Sean Williams?” she asked in a voice with a gruff accent.
“Yes, Ma’am.” He said, trying to stand up straight.
“Is this your only bag?” She was possibly thirty-five and a good-looking curvy brunette woman with a pointed nose.
“Ah, yes Ma’am.” He stammered. This seemed to amuse her, and she laughed into her hand for a moment.
“Oh, if this is all I can carry it myself, no need to get a cart or get extra help.” She said, picking up the blue suitcase.
“Oh you don’t have to-” Sean said. The driver waved goodbye to them and left without a word.
“It’s part of my job. Don’t worry, this is nothing!” The woman said cheerfully. She walked across the large room towards the brass elevator doors. Sean guessed he was to follow her and almost felt like his footsteps would leave ripples like the marble they were crossing was a large, calm body of water. “You wouldn’t believe how much some students bring, and it seems silly to me because they could just ship it all. You’ll find this out, Mr. Williams, but you won’t need for much here.” She pressed the glowing “up” arrow button on the left of the doors to the elevator.
“Well thank you anyway…” Sean said to her as the doors opened with a bell sound that seemed to ring through the hallway. They both entered the elevator, and she smiled at him, then pressed the button to the second floor. Sean couldn’t even think straight. He was so dazzled by the school and being waited on hand and foot so far. A moment later, they reached the second floor, and she motioned for him to follow her as she headed to the right of the elevators.
“Everyone is in class, but you’ll meet some of the other students during dinner, I’m sure. You are in room fourteen in the West dorms. There will be a map and literature in your room to help you get around at first. Someone has also alerted the staff that you have arrived and they will send a student ambassador to guide you around.”
“When will I meet my roommates?” He asked her. She choked back laughter.
“Oh, did they not tell you? Every student has their own private quarters at Patton Academy.” She told him as they walked. His fingers tingled, causing a strange sensation. Sean pondered what having his own room might be like. He always shared with his two younger brothers at home. He couldn't help but think that they had made some terrible error. That they hadn’t meant to accept him to this school, this life. He was Sean Williams, a poor boy who wore secondhand clothes donated by people at his church, the boy who had never experienced a luxury before in his life. He told himself soon they would figure out he wasn’t worth all this and they would throw him back into his old life. He shook his head back and forth in disbelief. The maid led him through two long hallways. A boy about his age passed by them. He seemed to be from India. Sean tried not to stare. He realized this was the first person from India he had met in person. Before this, the only Indians he had encountered were those like Gandhi in textbooks… The boy's height and perfect styling of his dark hair, shining from some product, caught his attention. The boy's stark white teeth contrasted with his dark complexion as he smiled at them.
“Good day, Mr. Lohia.” The woman spoke. Sean nodded at the boy. The boy was in a very formal outfit, which Sean recognized as the uniform all the kids in the photos of the brochures had been wearing. They kept walking for a few minutes and Sean realized the school was even larger than it appeared from the outside or the room inside the entrance. After a moment, she lead him down a hallway to the left. The school's atmosphere was consistent with the sophistication of the entrance area. Upstairs in the school, the floors were rich and shiny, and the paintings were more focused on landscapes. Every so often, there were suits of armor staring toward him with empty eyes. There were small benches and places to sit spread over the hallways too, and fancy phones on small tables. As they walked down the hallway, rows of dark wood doors stretched out on both sides. He even spotted a larger door marked as a restroom. They marked the doors with metallic numbers and each had a frosted glass window. They stopped in front of one of the numbered doors. There was a brass “14” on it. She opened the door and Sean glanced in over the woman, who was quite shorter than him.
As they walked in, Sean saw there was a single stripped down bed with sheets and a quilt sitting in a neatly folded pile on top of it. On the opposite side of the bed was a very expensive-looking desk made of dark wood. There was a small seating area and a tall chest of drawers next to a wardrobe that matched the dark wood of the desk. There was a small door in the back of the room. The floors were wood like the rest of the upper level of the school and they painted the walls an off-white and there was no decoration on them. Next to the bed was a rotary phone and what looked like a manila folder filled with documents. The woman sat his suitcase down on the bed. Sean spun around in a circle, looking at every inch of the room.
“If you need anything, push the button labeled ASSISTANCE here.” The woman said, directing his attention to what looked like a small speaker on the wall to the right of the door they entered from. He recognized it as an intercom. There was something similar equipped at his old school in each classroom. The beige speaker was about six inches across and there were a few labeled rectangle buttons underneath it. “ASSISTANCE”, “EMERGENCY”, “HOUSEKEEPING” and one unlabeled button. They each were glowing a warm orange. The woman was facing him again. “I’m sure that your ambassador will be around soon to help you. Is there anything else you need?” She asked, her accent dragging on the rolling sounds of the words.
“No, Ma’am…I guess I’ll just wait here until the person comes.” He said. Sean tried to flash her a friendly smile, which she returned, but there was something else in her face, something unreadable. He figured she might just be tired from her work. She exited.
There was a large mirror that Sean chose not to look in. He knew his looks reflected his true station in life. He felt like the country mouse in the city. No, not the city…the royal palace. He went to the wardrobe and opened it and to his surprise there were seven sets of clothing hung up on dark wood hangers. Prior to this, he had never laid eyes on a wooden hanger. He examined one set of clothing to find it was the school uniform. When he filled out his acceptance forms, he was definitely curious as to why he needed to send so much information about himself, including his clothing sizes. At the bottom of the wardrobe was even a pair of shiny black dress shoes that appeared to be his exact size as well. Not only did they request his clothing sizes though, but also his preferences and favorite foods. He pulled the uniform he was examining out of the wardrobe by the hanger. Sean remembered the red and black crest from school literature, which was featured on a luxurious black jacket combined with a white button-down shirt. The detailed embroidered crest featured a curling red vine with an apple on it next to a black and gold lion folded in and out of a cross. He liked it very much. There were also black slacks and socks and a red and black tie in a thin plaid. There were also some sweaters and shorter-sleeved shirts in the wardrobe, which he guessed were for different occasions. The Indian kid in the hallway was wearing the jacket, so Sean guessed this was what he was supposed to wear at this moment too.
He threw the ratty threadbare green sweater and old white undershirt on the ground. He added the ripped jeans to the pile and scrambled to get dressed, fearing his guide would walk in at any moment. His decision to wear his father's old ties to church in the past paid off, as he was confident in knotting and pulling his own tie. He realized he hadn’t ever possessed clothes that were brand new, apart from underwear. He felt better in the uniform. He felt it less likely anyone would be able to tell he didn’t belong there. He wished he hadn’t just kept his blond hair in a crew cut because it was easy, he at that moment wished it was an actual “style”. But he told himself vanity was a minor sin, and he couldn’t allow this place to make him forget his morals or what he believed to be the right way to live. He looked at himself now and in the mirror, he saw himself elevated.
“Maybe a little vanity is OK every so often.”