I *just* realized this.

I will try to explain my recent self-development in the least-douchey way I know how :)

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

When I was younger, I thought I hated the subject of philosophy. I had the unfortunate experience of having a friend who was going through his “I’m a nineteen-year-old who wears a leather duster and quotes Nietzsche” phase. He even went the extra mile of making a small book filled with numbered musings on the philosophy he read. (For instance, he might copy a Kant quote into the book and if it was the 167th thing in the book, he would neatly print a 167 above the passage in black ink. He labeled these things he had learned to refer back to later.) Every time we would be deep in conversation, he got into the habit of pulling the pocket-sized black Moleskine out and handing it to you. Then would tell you to look at the book and refer to a specific number of his writings that might help his arguments or could apply to the situation. For instance, I would question why a person we knew had done something because when you are eighteen, it seems people are doing weird stuff all around you. And he would take a deep breath and say something like, 

“Look at passage one hundred and four. I think it really speaks to what this person was thinking when they did (insert whatever topic here).” You would take the book, and search through the pages and the tiny black scrawl to look for the sentences labeled “104”. Then you would read whatever was written there, usually just a quote from a philosophy book or website. All the while he would just be staring at you in anticipation. It became known as “THE black book”.

As you can imagine, this got irritating. Also, the fact that every single interaction became sort of like an over-dramatic philosophical debate. After a while, I would just pretend to read the book, and nod and say,

“Oh yes, I see what you mean, BUT–” Then I would continue to argue my point as if I had read every word of this guy’s DEEP thoughts. I know this sounds like I’m being quite catty and mean, but trust me, this situation got old quickly. I must admit, it still impresses me he memorized all of those different passages, and I think this sort of commonplace book is a great idea. I will admit I can’t remember a time when he cited the wrong number which is a feat in itself. Also, I met up with him a few years later and he was over this phase and after college became a journalist, not a philosopher.

Because of this friendship, when I was young, I came to be very annoyed even at the mention of philosophy. I got the impression when I was young that philosophy was only studied by people who were pretentious and always had to be right. I regret this belief now because in the past few years, I have been reading a lot of philosophy and I find I enjoy the subject now. While I still think it can be used to self-serve too much, I also hate knowing I let one silly person hold me back from exploring this subject. The funny thing is this person’s behavior went against one aspect of his hero Nietzsche’s idea of a person’s “will to power” that he was always going on about, to my understanding is a drive to self-mastery, but is not about the domination of others. However, I guess it could also be said that dominating others might be part of someone’s self-mastery.

I’ve been enjoying reading the works of Gilles Deleuze and Toshiya Ueno for a YouTube video I am working on. I’ve been reading about more basic fundamentals of philosophy as well. I’ve also been thinking about the psychiatrist Carl Jung’s concept of the “shadow self” in tandem with Existentialism a lot within the past few days. I think the two overlap marvelously for self-actualization and the creativity that comes from it. I'm almost positive that what I'm going to say has been said before, but I need to clear my head. 

Psychiatrist Carl Jung believed in a concept he called the “Shadow Self”. If you don’t know what this is, it is very much in the name, I think. The “shadow self” refers to the unconscious and often repressed aspects of an individual’s personality. These are things that a person may find undesirable, socially unacceptable, or not in line with how they see themselves. The theory of the "shadow self" is a part of Jung's larger theory of collective unconscious. According to Jung's theory of the collective unconscious, there are universal symbols and themes that people have in common. This idea has been with me for a very long time since I was very young. I just didn’t know it had an official name. I have been a person who struggles with this “shadow” self often. I am a late bloomer when it comes to unapologetically being myself. I have always had a strong sense of who I truly am, but I am embarrassed to say that for a period in the middle of my life, I felt ashamed of aspects of myself. I think it took me a long time, but I realized that, as Jung says integrating the shadow self was crucial for personal growth and happiness.

 I think this acceptance is important for everyone, but even more so for those of us who are creative. The shadow self often contains unconventional, unique, and even rebellious elements of your personality. Integrating these aspects can lead to increased creativity and innovation. Embracing your hidden desires and thoughts can help you break free from societal norms and think outside the box, leading to fresh ideas. Creatives usually have a natural inclination towards their shadow self, making them more in tune with it, but perhaps without balance with it and their outer selves. I don’t think anyone is born balanced with a shadow self and their public-facing self. I think everyone is on their own personal journey to accepting or suppressing the shadow self. I also think the shadow self is a theme artists, writers, and creatives return to repeatedly for a reason. Works such as Steven King’s The Dark Half is one such work that explores this dark half of a creative, and you could also say The Shining touches on this theme as well. I think most creatives can relate to having a darker side, or a side that they feel they must hide or that they can only express through creativity. It is also important to point out that Steven King has most likely gotten deeply in touch with his shadow self and the actual state of being a human to write these situations as well as he did.

To create good creative works, it's important to be authentic. I have come to know, that combining existentialism and Jung's "shadow self" can help with this. Existentialism encourages deep introspection and questioning of one’s beliefs, values, and purpose. This introspective journey can lead to a deeper understanding of oneself, including the shadow self. I think acknowledging and integrating these hidden aspects can add depth and authenticity to artistic work. Embracing these things provides creatives with a wealth of material to explore. Dark, complex, and conflicting emotions can lead to narratives and themes that resonate with audiences, creating a more profound impact. Existentialism emphasizes living in an authentic way, true to one’s own values and beliefs. Art that uses this principle helps artists express their inner selves better and connect more deeply with their audience. Art that is challenging and goes deeper into the human experience is the art that makes a mark on me. I have also found living more authentically has improved my writing and music. 

Part of what I’ve been considering comes down to fear. Fear is the enemy and embracing uncertainty (which is one hallmark of Existentialism) leads to more vulnerability, which especially in writing fiction is something I think is crucial. For a long time, I was afraid to get too vulnerable and use some of the tougher things I have experienced to color my work. I’m not saying you have to flagellate yourself with your own trauma all the time or in every work. I realized that facing my sadness and vulnerability could have helped me write better. I am at this moment writing a final draft of a story I’ve been struggling with since May 2021. I just could not get this story to work, and I’m still not 100% happy with it. But I think I know what to do now, and part of this is being a little more honest about what I want to do with the story. I realized I had to give up the fear that people who read it would think I was some sort of degenerate. I think the whole point of the story is the main character, at times is not the best person, but ends up growing and changing. Part of her metamorphosis is mental health-driven, but another part of her journey is spiritual, embracing both the dark and light parts of her being. When at balance she grows into a more stable, more considerate, and passionate person. Also, there is a lot about abuse and trauma in this book that this character must learn to navigate, which often impedes her ability to find balance.

I kept trying to make all of it palatable, but this was not the thing the story needed. It needs that ugliness. And I had to accept that, at least in some respect, the trauma and ugliness that inspired this story is a part of me. I think this part of me scared me a little. It’s so raw and uncontrollable, which is something that plays against my personality. I prefer to make everything into a system and I hate my more emotional side. Existentialism acknowledges the anxiety and uncertainty inherent in human existence. I hate uncertainty and struggle with working through anxiety. I think my fear of confronting these emotions has prevented me from delving into the deeper layers of this story. This resulted in a story that felt superficial, failing to capture the profound complexities of being human that I think I wanted to show. I believe in Existentialism and think that facing uncomfortable things will make me better in life and work. Even small steps have already helped. To overcome fear, I know I must acknowledge its presence and confront it within an existential framework. So within a creative framework, I have decided to write as if there is no audience. I saw a quote from John Green that stuck with me. He says: 

“One thing we forget about making art is that your audience is almost no one. Even for popular stuff. Like, my book The Fault in our Stars has been very commercially successful, but like 98% of Americans haven’t read it. You don’t make stuff for everyone. You make stuff for whoever might love it.”

I don’t like John Green’s books, but I thought this was a wise thing to say. I know I have to leave behind the part of myself that is anxious and a perfectionist and fears that no one will like this story if I write it the way I want to. Existentialism acknowledges the imperfections of human existence. I hope this acknowledgment will ease my fear of failure and allow me to experiment without the need for perfection. Human perfection does not exist, and there is great comfort in that. This book will not be perfect, it might even be bad. Also, it is likely almost no one will read this novel I’m working on finishing, but as long as I please myself with it, that is important. I know pleasing myself means in this situation, not diluting what I want to share and say. 

This fear I find goes far beyond my writing even. It made me feel like I had to be so passive and that I had to be a “nice” person because that was what others expected of me. I am, in actuality, very opinionated, a little harsh, and at times, judgemental. But I buried these parts of myself for so long. I know these things aren’t always noble qualities to have, but in the vein of existentialism, they can have a duality in how they are both good and bad traits at once. Ironically, that is what the novel I have been talking about is about. The entire message is to not be passive in your life and get lost in fantasies, embrace who you are, not sacrifice yourself, and so on. This book has an existentialist lean to it, and I think the book was failing because I had not applied the message I was trying to impart through this novel to my own life. At least not completely. Another theme in the book is the Shadow self, and I realized, that balancing my shadow self with my external self was crucial to being able to better write this story. I am not all the way there yet, but I feel like I’ve made some big strides. I feel more secure and more settled within myself than I ever have before. My imperfections are me, and my fear is stifling me. Of course, this change has applied to many areas of my life, but I have most immediately noticed it in my creative energy and process.

I know it seems like common sense, and perhaps maybe you or others don’t suffer so much with this sort of self-improvement. But I think most people can relate at least a little. Especially us writers, in between imposter syndrome and the fact that being a writer is hard. I think most writers and creatives struggle with self-doubt, perfectionism, jealousy, or fear. I think if you don’t have any fear at all in what you are creating, perhaps you don’t care about it enough.

That is my rambling. Just some free-floating thoughts I’ve been having. The TLDR is I’m working on a final draft of a story, and I’m going to really allow myself to not self-edit and tell the story I want to tell. Even with all the gross and ugly details. I think this may come from being more confident in my writing, but also from contemplation over the past two years since I’ve been writing this story. OK, I guess this is the end. Hope you enjoyed my rambling.

Be well,

Aisling